Classic Stories (from the archives)

Back in the days before The Legend owned the flat, it was owned by his brother Facts (for it is he!). He rented a room out to Ulster’s secret shame, the Chubby Chaser. Both, rather worryingly, are to this day psychiatric nurses. As a result, they rarely saw each other, due to shift patterns and Chubby Chaser working in Edinburgh. On the weeknight in question, Facts (for it is he!) had come back from a late shift and collapsed into bed around 10pm. Chubby Chaser, at the time, was in the middle of a marathon drinking session that, unusually for him, did not end with a fat girl being turfed out of the flat at 3am. Never fear, dear reader, for Chubby Chaser had been to the 24 hour garage for some additions to his collection of, errr… art pamphlets (batchelor’s periodicals, if you will).

As an aside, I was once witness to Chubby Chaser being so drunk, that he bought two copies of the same jazz mag at the garage, along with a toy bear (because he missed his absent girlfriend, awwww…). I then gave him a piggy-back home, all the while singing the Hollies classic “He Ain’t Heavy (He’s My Brother)“. On a Tuesday night, but I digress.

Back to the story. The new purchase was failing to sufficiently arouse our drunken hero, so he decided to bring his entire (and significant) collection through to the living room, so as best to ahem, spread out the images within. The entire living room was covered, two or three magazines deep in some cases. Whether or not the operation came to a successful climax is still uncertain as Chubby Chaser left for work early the next day and presumably disposed of any kleenex / kitchen roll / sock in the appropriate manner.

An indeterminate amount of time later in the day, Facts (for it is he!) was woken by a knock at the door. It was the engineer, sent to install the satellite dish. Facts (for it is he!) let the engineer in, unaware of the pornographic carnage in the living room, given that he was just out of bed. Needless to say, the engineer burst into laughter at the sight of the clitrature spread across the room and the ample nature of the images in question (Chubby Chaser is not known by that name without good reason). He even managed to make a witty comment about what channels Facts (for it is he!) may have wished to subscribe to with his new dish. Anyone who has seen Facts (for it is he!) flustered will be well placed to picture him as he made his (justified) denial of;

“Honestly, this isn’t mine!”

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