Archive for January, 2007

The new omniblob ep…

Posted in General on January 30, 2007 by Steve

…is so good, that it made me want to touch myself.
So I did.
Only after making myself a toga from bedsheets.
That’s how good the ep is.
Togas are mandatory.


Gone Insane
Endel Gaze Fanatic
Being Alone Again
Day Away (new version)

A new version of Lifetime has also been recorded.


Random fact about The Legend

Posted in General on January 25, 2007 by Steve

The Legend‘s favourite chat up line is;
“Fancy gaun halfers oan a bastard?”

Classic Legend (from the archives)

Posted in General on January 19, 2007 by Steve

Many years ago, when I had a full head of hair and could pull women (ie – 1994), I had a successful family holiday in Crete. The highlight of this holiday was Nena, a gorgeous Swede who’s job, as far as I could make out, was to make bored German tourists play volleyball with her. Anyway, encouraged to visit her again, I packed my bag and, naturally, The Legend. Much fun ensued as the tent proved impractical in the heat, particulalry as The Legend acquired crippling sunburn on the first day. Unwilling to share a confined space with Lionel Itchy, we spent the majority of our remaining cash “upgrading” to the world’s tattiest chalet. The door didn’t shut and the furniture appeared to have been thrown out by an Ethiopean family; there were four bunks in the chalet, though hardly the room for two people. Perhaps previous guests had holidayed in a shift pattern.

Trappped in by his Flakin’ Stevens skin problem, The Legend decided not to chase any of the beautiful, nubile nudists that occupied the rest of the camp. Indeed, their friendliness increased as they realised we had a chalet to call our own. The world over, status is all with the ladies. The Legend decided he fancied the maid that cleaned our hovel every morning and, while I was out seeing Nena, he stayed put and tried his rudimentary moves on her. The maid was about forty years old, mind.

Money was tight, even more so in the second week when The Legend came back from the shop with our supplies. He bought a box of coco-pops (no milk), a six-pack of sachets of strawberry jam (no bread) and two bottles of 20/20-style cheapo alcohol. Apparently, the plan was to eat the cereal dry and, possibly, dip our fingers in jam at the same time. That said, the night on the 20/20 was a roaring success of boozyness. Unfortunately, upon returning to our domicile, The Legend vomited on the tree outside. At least it wasn’t inside.

The next day, as God is my witness, the tree was dead. It was about sixteen feet tall the night before.

The highlight though was undoubtedly the hunt for pornography. The Legend was excited by my stories of the hardcore pornographic playing cards available in all of the shops. Unfortunately, The Legend bottled his purchase at the last minute and sent me into the store. Humourously, I decided to pick a pack with a decidedly scatological (look it up on google, I’ll wait…) nature. Unfortunately, they were so horrific that I couldn’t bring myself to even look at the images. The Legend seemed less bothered though, though he wasn’t exactly into women shitting in each other’s mouths and the like.

The next day, upon returning for lunch I smiled at the maid and got a frosty look in return. In the chalet, The Legend was sitting at the table, in his pants, playing solitaire with the water-sports cards. The maid quit the same day.

What’s Greek for “The Legend?”

Here we go again…

Posted in General on January 19, 2007 by Steve

The previous entries have been more than justified by last night’s putrid showing. Hibs were well worth their win, depsite playing poorly. That’s how bad Aberdeen are; dodgy keeper, back line devoid of confidence, a mis-shapen midfield that never seems to be at the races and unfit, disinterested attackers. Oh, and nothing on the bench.

The talent is there, if only to compete for third or fourth spot but the fact remains; under Calderwood, every big match (cup games, important league matches, tv games and / or large crowds) has resulted in a dismal performance and a bad result. The time for investment is here, if only because the field is so poor that some success is possible. Then again, AFC are well known for failing to grasp the nettle, shrewd investment at certain points over the last thirty years would’ve made Aberdeen major players. But that would’ve cost money, or cut the power and prestige held by the men making the decisions. No chance, then.

I’m still in shock. If Hibernian’s want-away players (with their supposed lack of commitment) can totally dominate the fourth highest paid squad in the country, what hope is there?

I’d still like to thank Goldielocks for buying my ticket as a birthday gift, though…

Dan Smith…

Posted in General on January 16, 2007 by Steve

…such a passenger, I forgot to mention him in the entry below.
Another succesful signing disappears.
If youtube is to be believed, he’s missing the Sunderland roasting scandal, n’all.
His timing is as bad as his luck…

AFC Passengers

Posted in General on January 12, 2007 by Steve

These players have to go;

Jamie Langfield (G) – good shot-stopper but drops too many clangers.
Derek Soutar (G) – can’t get in ahead of Langfield.
Zander Diamond (D) – indisciplined and prone to bad mistakes.
Chris Clark (M) – seen as an unsung hero in the Brian Grant mould (totally unjustified).
Jamie Winter (M)– too fat and lazy, with his talent should be playing.
Darren Mackie (F) – tries hard but has no touch and misses sitters.

These ones are on a shoogly peg;

Richie Byrne (D) – often injured, always awkward on the ball, not a fullback.
Ricky Foster (D) – shown potential at fullback but needs to continue his improvement.
Gary Dempsey (M) – does alright but is one-paced and has had some shocking games alongside the good ones.
Jamie Smith (M) – often injured, tries to beat his man too often when he plays.
Barry Nicholson (M) – hides too often; but when he does play well, the team plays well.
Steve Lovell (F) – too many injuries, but a natural finisher and worth persevering with.
Dyron Daal (F) – injuries, probably on his way in the window anyway.

That’s thirteen players (and a bit controversial), but even half of the above moving on would free up the wages for the goalkeeper, left back, left winger and creative player (Gow at Falkirk could do the last two himself) that we desperately need. There have been interested clubs as far as some of these players are concerned, so perhaps swap deals could be made. Aberdeen are still in the Scottish Cup (just) and a point off second place in the League, so let’s not hear shite about our inability to compete for honours, especially in the current Scottish game. We have the best right back and central defender in Scotland, alongside some young talent. Potentially, we have one of the best midfields, particularly if someone can be found to play consistently on the left, and at least three genuine threats up front. Aberdeen Football Club can, and must, do better.

Chairman Milne, the ball is in your court.

Annual Event Tonight

Posted in General on January 10, 2007 by Steve

The Aberdeen BBC Televised Season-Ending Disappointment.
At home to Hibs tonight.
Game could be 4-0 to either side, or any result in between.
Last chance of even a sniff at a trophy.
Unless the Aberdeenshire Cup’s still up for grabs.