It’s cruel to laugh…

…but let’s do it, anyway.

The Legend picked me up from work this afternoon (as is The Legend‘s wont of a Sunday) but didn’t look at all well.  When I asked The Legend what the problem was, The Legend pulled a face of pure misery.  Apparently, The Legend had taken The Legend‘s young family up to picturesque St Mary’s Loch.  I decided not to mention the terrible weather, hoping that it would be a factor in The Legend‘s tale of woe.

I was right.

The Legend had a tyre blow out, quite spectacularly, in the middle of nowhere.  In the rain.  Those of you who have been up that way will know that a mobile phone signal is as likely as Mike McCurry giving Aberdeen a penalty against R*ng*rs.  As a result, The Legend had to leave The Legend‘s family in the car and traipse a mile and a half up the remote road to a house The Legend had passed in the hope that, unlike The Legend, they had a jack.  In the rain and a howling gale.

The occupiers very kindly allowed a bedraggled The Legend into their abode, so as to let The Legend use the house phone and call the A.A.  Those of you who are (ahem!) lucky enough to know The Legend can make your own joke about The Legend phoning the A.A. Tragically, it transpired that, during a recent economy drive (pun intended), The Legend had canceled the direct debit and was no longer a member of the A.A. and no family members were available to assist!

Again, the occupiers showed much generosity and spirit and loaned The Legend their jack, even offering to lend The Legend a spanner as well.  No need, for The Legend was sure that The Legend had a spanner in the car.

Can you guess where this is going?

Another mile and a half in the wind and rain was bravely traversed back to the car by The Legend who was, by this point, soaked through.  More worryingly, The Legend confided later that his ill-fitting underwear was starting to cause major chafing in the penalty area.  None of this was helping The Legend‘s mood, but what mere mortal could stand such torture?  Particularly when;

“It wis causing ma erse hair tae get aw matted!”

Needless to say, upon reaching the car, The Legend discovered that it was the old car that had a spanner in the back, not the new one!  The Legend, unable to walk any further, was reduced to stopping another motorist when one eventually approached on the aforementioned remote road.  In the aforementioned wind and rain.  Upon getting the car started, The Legend was dismayed to spot another house; some way off the road, but only 200 metres or so from where the car had come to a halt!  Oh, the irony!

There was a happy ending to the four hour ordeal, in as much as The Legend was able to pick me up on time from work.  Good job, too did you see the weather out there today?  Wind and rain.  The Legend is walking like the illegitimate love child of Charlie Chaplin and John Inman, due to (and I quote);

“A right sair notcher.”

Go on, look it up.  Anyway, The Legend is now resting safely on the sofa where, I would imagine, The Legend will not move for quite some time. For my part, I have been keeping The Legend‘s spirits up by repeatedly singing the Rod Stewart classic “Sailing“, changing the words to “I wear condoms, on my c*ck”.

I feel it’s important to retain a sense of humour, during trying times such as this.

Anyway, the only position that gives The Legend any relief is The Legend lying flat on The Legend‘s back, knees apart and soles of the feet touching.  I can only describe this as looking like a hatching baby turtle that has only managed to get its legs out.  Like this, in other words.

Yup, it’s just another example of why The Legend is The Legend!

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One Response to “It’s cruel to laugh…”

  1. Brilliant x

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