Archive for June, 2009

Email from Frankie Boyle

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2009 by Steve

Apparently, Frankie has quit The Daily Record, as they refused to run his column this week, so here it is;


So the Michael Jackson roller coaster has stopped. Looks like he got enough.

Apparently he died after walking into a pub in Paisley and saying “Do you wanna be starting something?” We can all learn something from Michael’s life. For example, it looks like oxygen tents are a big waste of money.

Why did no one pick up on it when he had shown all the signs of a heart attack? Wheezing noises, jerking of the arms, ashen complexion? I suppose to be fair he has been showing all those symptoms since the mid eighties. Had Jackson’s staff noticed something was wrong earlier he might have been saved, but when they saw him grab his left arm, go stiff and yelp they just thought he was practising his moves for Beat It. It’s not known what triggered the heart attack, but High School Musical 3 was on cable at the time. In many ways he was a tragic figure. Let’s be honest, he had more personal issues than Batman.Who could have imagined that the monster he transformed into in “Thriller” would look less weird than what he transformed into in real life? It’s got to be a tossup whether he get cremated or recycled. His postmortem will look like the Roswell autopsy.

I was a big Michael Jackson fan when I was 8. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was his ‘type.’

For his London concerts Michael Jackson advertised for children in wheelchairs or with missing legs! What parent would agree to that? Look what happened with kids who could run away! Those tickets sold out in minutes. An interesting attitude we have to paedophilia in this country, “ We don’t want paedophiles round here! Unless they’ve really worked on their choreography…”

He was a legend and his funeral will be amazing. Ironically the funeral will be the first time in years his children haven’t been forced to wear veils.With the amount of money the concert tickets have made I wouldn’t be surprised if they still wheeled him on. It would add an interesting touch to I’ll Be There. Michael Jackson was apparently refusing to eat ahead of his O2 gigs. He now weighed less than nine stone and the only thing he would eat willingly was nachos. Nachos being the name of a young Mexican boy. It’s said that Jackson had developed a phobia about being fat. Not like him to worry about his looks. Apparently when the news broke Jackson’s father rushed straight to the hospital, just to check if the medics needed a hand with beating Michael’s chest.

Jackson’s family said they were moved to see that the hospital staff were all wearing black. Actually, they were all wearing white as usual, but that family had always had a little trouble admitting the difference. The man may be gone but he has left a musical legacy that will be around for hundreds of years. As will his face.

Murraymania has hit Wimbledon with millions convinced that Andy Murray has what it takes to become the first British male for a long time to be knocked out in the final. Murray could be Wimbledon if he just the right breaks, like one to Roger Federer’s ankle. This year Murray is desperately trying to convince the crowd he’s ‘British’. Then he fucked that up by winning. Nine Brits were beaten on the first day. Mind you, they all turned up with snooker cues.

The Lawn Tennis Association says the eighty million pound roof over Centre Court will improve British tennis. Really? They’re attaching a noose? Visitors to Wimbledon have been paying £20 a day to park on a graveyard. It only came to light after the families of deceased relatives complained about having to lay flowers on a BMW.What sort of person would think it’s acceptable to park their 4×4 on top of someone’s grave. Oh yes, the sort of person that owns a 4×4.I love Wimbledon. It’s the only time I get to watch women in short skirts grunting and sweating without night vision goggles. I really enjoy all that grunting. My neighbours keep banging on the wall to get me to stop.

The BBC has published its expenses. They also claimed for chandeliers, moats and large houses. To be fair, it was for ‘Pride and Prejudice.’ They claimed thousands of pounds for ‘entertaining.It’s a disgrace. The BBC hasn’t done that for years.Deputy Director Mark Byford charged licence fee payers £4.99 for a book of the history of QPR football club. And a thousand on a divorce lawyer when he gave it to his wife for Christmas. £1,137 was spent on a knighthood dinner for Terry Wogan. And it’s the last time they take him to Pizza Hut and say, ‘Order anything you like.’

The BNP may be sued for refusing membership to non whites.The BNP say they welcome minorities as card carrying members. The cards say ‘Fuck off home.’ I look forward to Nick Griffin holding ‘minority awareness’ workshops and playing God Save The Queen on steel drums.

London Underground is using quotes from Ghandi on the Tube. I saw the film and I don’t remember him saying, ‘There’s a body on the line at Marble Arch.’ They use other famous quotes too – but the one from the Koran emptied the train.

The Scottish National Library banned the Saltire flag for being racist. There are racist librarians? Knitting a cardigan with a swastika in it must be a nightmare. I’d love to see them march. ‘What do we want? Sssshh!’

A ghost town that was built in Argyll but then abandoned to the wild is to be demolished because it lies crumbling and derelict. It’s a shame because there’s some great scenery around Greenock.

A male stripper, known as Sergeant Eros, has been convicted of impersonating a police officer and pulling over other drivers using flashing lights on his car. He pulled over several female drivers but they quickly realised he wasn’t a policemen when he didn’t expose his genitals.

Twenty-two people in the UK have donated a kidney to a stranger. It’s just a shame that many of the strangers were German cannibals.

Sir Ranulph Fiennes’s wife says that he can’t read a map. Getting to the South Pole unassisted is even more impressive as it turns out he’d only gone out to buy some fags.

I reckon the rights to broadcast Scottish football next year could be picked up by anyone with a few empty Irn Bru bottles and a camcorder. So that’s STV out of the running.

Scientists have found that Botox can make hair re-grow, but women that have had injections in their forehead don’t need to worry. People will still be unable to see your frown lines, because they’ll be hidden behind all that lovely forehead hair.

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Nice to see things have changed!

Posted in Uncategorized on June 24, 2009 by Steve

(Ahem!)

Ian Bell sticks it to the new Speaker.

At least we can vote this lot out.

Here’s another of our good pals!

Time for the revolution, methinks…

It’s Saturday, so…

Posted in Uncategorized on June 20, 2009 by Steve

Ian Bell on Iran’s relations with the west.

Blame is shared rightly and equally.

It’s too easy to caricature Islamic states and ignore our own hypocrisy. The Ayatollah hates Bin Laden as much as us.

That said, nothing says “fair election” like counting several million votes in three hours, then machine gunning the protesters for questioning the result…

A day in the life…

Posted in Uncategorized on June 19, 2009 by Steve

I suppose it’s my own fault, for thinking life would get easier. After working 11 of the last 12 days (and nearly going mental in the process), I slept through until 10.30 this morning. This was unfortunate, given my need to get to the gym and phone the council. A shower perked me up and I decided to phone the council while the coffee was brewing. Schoolboy error! After being on hold I got a woman who could only be described as a tube. Needless to say, a tube was more than qualified to outsmart my decaffeinated mind and, not only am I still getting screwed for the council tax, they now have my bank details. Shite.

The next obstacle proved to be my post-coffee, err… ablutions. I had run out of lavvy paper! Argh! Shower number two of the day completed, I decided to go to the gym and work off my aggression. Needless to say, the shop en route was closed (no lavvy paper for me) and I got soaked in the rain. I was so wet that it wasn’t until I arrived at the gyn that I discovered one of my water bottles had leaked, depriving me of 700ml of hydration and soaking my gear.

It was inevitable that I would drop and spill the other bottle in the gym and, of course, it happened in the presence of both an attractive woman and a prick from my work (C*lt*c top, et al). Thoroughly disheartened, I got soaked again on the way home, but not until the now open shop had deprived me of £1.50 for two toilet rolls! I seethed all the way through shower number three.

Leave it to The Legend to show up and make things better. I had helped The Legend clear up 18 bags worth of rubbish from The Legend‘s previous dwelling on Wednesday and, rather than leave the bags for the fucking council to maybe pick up (but definitely charge The Legend for), I suggested we pick them up on Friday and take them to the dump. The Legend was especially nippy, due to The Legend‘s tight schedule, due to The Legend going to the leaving night of a colleague everyone (including The Legend) despises.

Anyway, upon arrival at the cowp, it was clear The Legend had no idea where we were going and, after I asked someone, we discovered that the facility was closed, leaving myself and The Legend with 18 bags of very smelly refuse (The Legend had an unfortunate encounter with two month old milk in a bag on Wednesday) in the car. The Legend then unwisely suggested a ninja-style operation around the wheely-bins of Galashiels before the chap from the dump noticed that some employees from the fucking council were still dumping bags in a skip. Without warning, The Legend roared in through the gate and we managed to deposit all of the bags before the workers from the fucking council shut us in the cowp overnight. Overnight, at a rubbish tip, with The Legend. Can you imagine?

So here I am, after shower number four removed the sweat and stale refuse smell, dear reader, telling the tale. Meanwhile, The Legend is out getting blootered, having decided not to shower before going out. The reason? I’ll leave it to The Legend to explain;

“Cause I hate that bitch, I hope she can smell ma plums!”

Very, very, very childish!

Posted in Uncategorized on June 19, 2009 by Steve

I have a new purpose in life! Xtranormal is a childish wee website where you can make up cartoon films. Somebody sent me the link to the video “McGeady and Strachan, what really happened” so I had to try it for myself.

Jane Franchi sacks Jimmy Calderwood!

It was supposed to be Willie Miller, of course, but I had already added a female character. So, who else but sultry 80’s reminder of Dons domination Jane Franchi?

Enjoy, and lament the fact I will never grow up…

It’s McGhee!

Posted in Uncategorized on June 13, 2009 by Steve

Happy to be able to watch the team go forward next season, with the ball on the deck. A lot has been made of McGhee’s courting of C*lt*c, but I’d rather have a guy with ambition. It’s guys like Calderwood and Paterson, who will never manage a club the size of the Dons again, that held AFC back.

Think Fergie saw AFC as the highlight of his career? It worked out ok for us.

McGhee mentioned C*lt*c and Newcastle (both, undeniably, bigger clubs than Aberdeen) as clubs he enjoyed playing for and would like to manage. Listen, for McGhee to go to C*lt*c would require two things;

1) – a trophy, league constisency and European progress.

2) – Tony “Melton” Mowbray to royally screw up in Glasgow.

Both of these things are good. McGhee is nakedly ambitious, which is why I want him (despite my misgivings at former heroes getting the gig and perhaps getting too long in the gig). McGhee has shown to be a better judge of signings than Calderwood and the departures of Smith and Severin (admittedly good, but expensive, safe Calderwood buys) should free up enough budget to bring in three good players. I want to see a centre half (a nasty, experienced organiser), a right back (Vidal made permanent?) and a right-sided attacker (midfield or forward) with that cash.

The rumour is that AFC will cash in on Miller, before his contract runs out and, if the money is re-invested, I’m ok with that, though I’d rather see him stay. Aluko, Pawlett, Maguire, Miller, Wright, Paton and (yes, even) Mackie is a decent group to play McGhee’s preferred quick front three. Mackie as a sub, in away games only, please!

Hughes and Klimpl, out of contract at Motherwell and Clarkson (not out of contract at Motherwell) have been mentioned and I’d be happy with any of them. None of them wouldn’t be a disaster, as we have good young players coming through just now and I trust the new gaffer to find a couple of gems, either now, or in January.Onward and upward!

Meanwhile, watch this! This is great!

Words don’t do this justice…

Posted in Uncategorized on June 13, 2009 by Steve

Nick Cave + Russell Crowe = WTF?