Email from Frankie Boyle

Apparently, Frankie has quit The Daily Record, as they refused to run his column this week, so here it is;

So the Michael Jackson roller coaster has stopped. Looks like he got enough.

Apparently he died after walking into a pub in Paisley and saying “Do you wanna be starting something?” We can all learn something from Michael’s life. For example, it looks like oxygen tents are a big waste of money.

Why did no one pick up on it when he had shown all the signs of a heart attack? Wheezing noises, jerking of the arms, ashen complexion? I suppose to be fair he has been showing all those symptoms since the mid eighties. Had Jackson’s staff noticed something was wrong earlier he might have been saved, but when they saw him grab his left arm, go stiff and yelp they just thought he was practising his moves for Beat It. It’s not known what triggered the heart attack, but High School Musical 3 was on cable at the time. In many ways he was a tragic figure. Let’s be honest, he had more personal issues than Batman.Who could have imagined that the monster he transformed into in “Thriller” would look less weird than what he transformed into in real life? It’s got to be a tossup whether he get cremated or recycled. His postmortem will look like the Roswell autopsy.

I was a big Michael Jackson fan when I was 8. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was his ‘type.’

For his London concerts Michael Jackson advertised for children in wheelchairs or with missing legs! What parent would agree to that? Look what happened with kids who could run away! Those tickets sold out in minutes. An interesting attitude we have to paedophilia in this country, “ We don’t want paedophiles round here! Unless they’ve really worked on their choreography…”

He was a legend and his funeral will be amazing. Ironically the funeral will be the first time in years his children haven’t been forced to wear veils.With the amount of money the concert tickets have made I wouldn’t be surprised if they still wheeled him on. It would add an interesting touch to I’ll Be There. Michael Jackson was apparently refusing to eat ahead of his O2 gigs. He now weighed less than nine stone and the only thing he would eat willingly was nachos. Nachos being the name of a young Mexican boy. It’s said that Jackson had developed a phobia about being fat. Not like him to worry about his looks. Apparently when the news broke Jackson’s father rushed straight to the hospital, just to check if the medics needed a hand with beating Michael’s chest.

Jackson’s family said they were moved to see that the hospital staff were all wearing black. Actually, they were all wearing white as usual, but that family had always had a little trouble admitting the difference. The man may be gone but he has left a musical legacy that will be around for hundreds of years. As will his face.

Murraymania has hit Wimbledon with millions convinced that Andy Murray has what it takes to become the first British male for a long time to be knocked out in the final. Murray could be Wimbledon if he just the right breaks, like one to Roger Federer’s ankle. This year Murray is desperately trying to convince the crowd he’s ‘British’. Then he fucked that up by winning. Nine Brits were beaten on the first day. Mind you, they all turned up with snooker cues.

The Lawn Tennis Association says the eighty million pound roof over Centre Court will improve British tennis. Really? They’re attaching a noose? Visitors to Wimbledon have been paying £20 a day to park on a graveyard. It only came to light after the families of deceased relatives complained about having to lay flowers on a BMW.What sort of person would think it’s acceptable to park their 4×4 on top of someone’s grave. Oh yes, the sort of person that owns a 4×4.I love Wimbledon. It’s the only time I get to watch women in short skirts grunting and sweating without night vision goggles. I really enjoy all that grunting. My neighbours keep banging on the wall to get me to stop.

The BBC has published its expenses. They also claimed for chandeliers, moats and large houses. To be fair, it was for ‘Pride and Prejudice.’ They claimed thousands of pounds for ‘entertaining.It’s a disgrace. The BBC hasn’t done that for years.Deputy Director Mark Byford charged licence fee payers £4.99 for a book of the history of QPR football club. And a thousand on a divorce lawyer when he gave it to his wife for Christmas. £1,137 was spent on a knighthood dinner for Terry Wogan. And it’s the last time they take him to Pizza Hut and say, ‘Order anything you like.’

The BNP may be sued for refusing membership to non whites.The BNP say they welcome minorities as card carrying members. The cards say ‘Fuck off home.’ I look forward to Nick Griffin holding ‘minority awareness’ workshops and playing God Save The Queen on steel drums.

London Underground is using quotes from Ghandi on the Tube. I saw the film and I don’t remember him saying, ‘There’s a body on the line at Marble Arch.’ They use other famous quotes too – but the one from the Koran emptied the train.

The Scottish National Library banned the Saltire flag for being racist. There are racist librarians? Knitting a cardigan with a swastika in it must be a nightmare. I’d love to see them march. ‘What do we want? Sssshh!’

A ghost town that was built in Argyll but then abandoned to the wild is to be demolished because it lies crumbling and derelict. It’s a shame because there’s some great scenery around Greenock.

A male stripper, known as Sergeant Eros, has been convicted of impersonating a police officer and pulling over other drivers using flashing lights on his car. He pulled over several female drivers but they quickly realised he wasn’t a policemen when he didn’t expose his genitals.

Twenty-two people in the UK have donated a kidney to a stranger. It’s just a shame that many of the strangers were German cannibals.

Sir Ranulph Fiennes’s wife says that he can’t read a map. Getting to the South Pole unassisted is even more impressive as it turns out he’d only gone out to buy some fags.

I reckon the rights to broadcast Scottish football next year could be picked up by anyone with a few empty Irn Bru bottles and a camcorder. So that’s STV out of the running.

Scientists have found that Botox can make hair re-grow, but women that have had injections in their forehead don’t need to worry. People will still be unable to see your frown lines, because they’ll be hidden behind all that lovely forehead hair.


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