When your friends need killing…

For some strange reason, yours truly has taken it upon himself to clear out the junk in the flat (“Falujah’s most rockin’ spot!” – The Big Issue). One and a half cupboards (and eight, count ’em!) rubbish bags in, a rest became necessary. Bear in mind that former owners / tenants of the flat (“A hacienda of fun and laughter.” – Depression Journal) include;

The Legend

Facts (for it is he!)

The Other Brother

The Pig Fancier, aka The Chubby Chaser

If your mind, dear reader, is immediately awash with sordid thoughts of depravity that make you despair for the human race, you are on the right track. As a fun game to pass the time, why not guess which item belonged to which flatmate? Literally minutes of fun! Bear in mind that The Pig Fancier Memorial Porn Collection had already been thrown out, due to the horrid paper mache form it had taken (much to The Legend‘s chagrin).

A Glentoran ceramic teddy bear (head missing), Fuck Truck (“filmed in anal-vision!”) volumes 2 and 5 (on VHS!!!), this writer’s long-lost holdall (filled with burst cartons of baby-milk, somebody’s dead for that one), a plastic drug bag with a cannabis leaf logo (thankfully, empty), several years worth of R.C.N. folders (clearly unread), a worrying amount of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (again, on VHS), computer equipment dating back to the stone age, an album “inspired by Lord of the Rings” (on vinyl), three metric tonnes of out-dated omniblob promo cds, religious leaflets, fantasy novels, children’s junk (why do all things for children come in odd shapes and lack the ability to fold???) and old newspapers!

Why? Why such a mix of junk, religious pamphlets and pornography? Interestingly, there was a small booklet entitled “Razzle’s Rudest Letters” that was bookmarked with a pamphlet called “What Would Jesus Do?” and I’m sure Lisa from Peterborough (who, it must be said, can write a very rude letter) would’ve been most flattered by this, if a little worried about the kind of mind that mixes modern Christianity with Razzle (the magazine that balances best between attractive and plausible).

I don’t know what I’m getting on my high horse for, I count these people as my friends…

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3 Responses to “When your friends need killing…”

  1. i will cop for the baby staff and news papers. fuck trucks holy suffering fuck i think we all know the facks on that one…..

  2. Mrs Facts Says:

    Have to stop laughing because my daughter is wondering what is so funny. Im guessing Mr Facts is responsible for the RCN stuff, fantasy novels, computer stuff please do not correct me if I am wrong because I really don’t want to know if he is the owner of the Fuck Truck Videos

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