Archive for January, 2010

Slightly better than last week!

Posted in Uncategorized on January 23, 2010 by Steve

After the biblical levels of drunkenness the previous Friday, last night had to be more civilised, and it was. An average covers band provided the soundtrack in the pub (an improvement on the week before) and the (ahem…) “highlight” was probably being chatted up by a woman in her fifties who said she watches me walk to work from behind her (and I quote) “twitching bedroom curtains“. Yikes! What is it about the Bridge Inn, rock music and me that makes old women wetter than an otter’s pocket?

The Legend and I were at the bar when the barmaid fell through the cellar hatch (landing on the other barmaid’s head) and, despite being 100 yards from the ambulance station, it took 10 minutes for the paramedics to arrive, and 10 minutes, 0.00001 seconds before some arseholes (not us) started moaning about not getting served. Dontcha just love human nature? The bar manager seemed fairly calm about it all, beyond his resentment that everyone had laughed when the same thing had previously happened to him.

Possibly the event with the most far-reaching consequences was on the way to the pub. Having grudgingly handed over my rent to The Legend, The Legend then made his way round to The Legend‘s local bank (who The Legend keeps moaning about, but not leaving, but that’s another matter). The deposit envelope was filled with (ahem!) “most” of the rent by The Legend, who then mightily struggled putting said envelope through the machine, which responded by patronisingly asking The Legend; “you seem to be having difficulty, would you like more time?

All hilarious, but not as impressive (and, frankly, scary) as The Legend‘s nimble finger-work to force the envelope in. Only after wedging the envelope fully in (and the shutter not, well… shutting) did The Legend realise that The Legend had wedged the envelope into the workings of the machine, not the deposit slot.

Yes readers, The Legend had forced it into the wrong hole.

The Legend had made such a fantastic job of said forcing, that it was impossible for the envelope to be removed, short of committing some sort of crime. In an event unheard of in cash machine history, The Legend and I decided to wave to the camera and show out faces, for the benefit of the CCTV investigation that would surely take place at opening time on Saturday when The Legend turned up (hungover) to beg for The Legend‘s money back. A good friend (and fellow CCTV star) would be by his side to provide testimony for his story, would he not?

Ah well…


Another anniversary.

Posted in Uncategorized on January 23, 2010 by Steve

Twenty years ago today, Aberdeen utility player and target for abuse Stuart Duff was born. Exciting!

More importantly, John Hewitt scored the fastest goal in Scottish Cup history on the same day. It took 9.6 seconds and started the run to the 1982 Scottish Cup triumph (“it’s suddenly become a rout!”) over those twats and, ultimately, victory in the Cup Winners Cup the following year (some symmetry, the last goal of the journey being scored by Hewitt, a man who hasn’t bought a drink for nearly 30 years now). Happy anniversary!

Oh. Dear. Lord…

Posted in Uncategorized on January 16, 2010 by Steve

Ah well, despite doing my best by going to the gym on my 34th birthday (and, sadly, going the day before – just so I could enter my age as 33 on the machines, one last time), the evening descended into carnage. Was it going to be any other way?

Accompanied by the Brothers Grimm, I went to meet various dodgy chancers that I count as friends at the newly reopened and redecorated Bridge Inn! Local metal pish Crevis were playing (bad news) but the pub smelled of new windscreen-wiper fluid (relative good news). The toilets, for the fourth refurbishment in a row, were neglected and resemble day three of the Somme, only smaller and cramped. They did put a padded alcove near the pool table that resembled a fitba dugout, only indoors. So, that’s something…

Needless to say, The Legend, escaping from domestic bliss for the evening, came into The Legend’s own. The Legend left the house without The Legend’s keys and had to phone home and beg for the door to be left unlocked. At the bar, I remarked to The Legend that The Legend was sweating profusely and that The Legend appeared to have The Legend’s t-shirt on inside out. The Legend hadn’t noticed and strategically departed to the aforementioned lavatories to swap it inside out. Yuck! At least The Legend was, upon returning, able to find space at the bar, as the smell was (in The Legend’s own words the next day) “kipper-ish“.

As it was my birthday, I decided to drink doubles with gusto, matching the pace set at the flat and, with certain other shady drinkers present, the pace was formidable. Facts (for it is he!) decided to pace the drinking, by having bottled Carlsberg, too bad Facts (for it is he!) skited two consecutive bottles from Facts (for it is he!)’s slippery hands; one over the bar, one on the floor.

Much fun was had as the drinking continued in Weatherpersons until The Legend dropped the bombshell; The Legend was going home (relatively) early! Shocking. The Legend stood up gingerly, attempted to focus on me, then turned to Facts (for it is he!), The Legend’s twin brother and sibling for nearly 36 years (if you count the shared womb) and wished Facts (for it is he!) a happy birthday!

Now, that is drunk…

At closing time, Facts (for it is he!) and I staggered towards the chippy, where I chanced upon a rather attractive co-worker. She smiled and asked how I was, to which I replied “I don’t know“.

Mission accom-pished!

That dear reader(s), was where the story ended, or so I thought. I phoned The Legend at lunchtime the following morning for the purpose of mocking. Unsurprisingly, The Legend was still in bed. Apparently, The Legend had the same chippy-related idea as us but, in a vain attempt to drunkenly use the cash machine, had taken out £80, instead of £10. The Legend then attempted to pay for said chippy by handing over £40 and asking “is that enough?

Upon reaching home, The Legend decided to add some beans (cold?) to his chippy and realised that it was 1:30 in the morning. It had taken The Legend an hour and a half to get home! The Legend then felt the need to summarise The Legend’s current condition thus;

I’m a bit rough this morning…

No shit, Sherlock…

Fail to the Dead-skins…

Posted in Uncategorized on January 15, 2010 by Steve

Deadspin’s review of the ‘Skins 2009 puts my feeling succinctly and eloquently. $41 million guaranteed for an overweight (if brilliant) Defensive Tackle (a fortnight after making 20 staff redundant, as a cost-cutting measure) and an owner who pays for pest control to get rid of non-existent bugs being just two of the highlights.

As someone who jumped through hoops to watch every game (ahem… don’t ask how…), I saw the team find new ways to lose to all standards of opponents. I seem to be alone amongst friends and workmates in that I only support Aberdeen, as I can’t summon the emotional energy to deal with another fitba team losing, so why do I bother staying up all hours to watch a bunch of losers in another sport?

Still, Washington are always the biggest news in the off-season (two-time Superbowl winner Mike Shanahan is the new coach), so let me get my hopes up and Hail to the Redskins in 2010!

The Teflon-Son

Posted in Uncategorized on January 15, 2010 by Steve

John Gotti Jr. outlasts the F.B.I.

From the archives

Posted in Uncategorized on January 14, 2010 by Steve

The forces of goodness put the dark ones to the sword.

Excellent footage from the 1950’s.

None of those pansy postponments for snow, either…

Things that amused me this week…

Posted in Uncategorized on January 14, 2010 by Steve

…when I should’ve been working on my essay.

Sheep with human face – it wasn’t me!

Old Father Ted trailer – love it.

Toby Foster (Les from Phoenix Nights) lays into some councilor claiming to be an “English Democrat” (you can probably guess…)

Hardeep Singh Kohli runs into real-life Alan Partridge – actually, more like a cross between Alan Partridge and Eurosport’s David Duffield.

Gawker tribute to The Simpsons – most ridiculous names.

Gay scientists claim to isolate Christian gene – heavy satire!