My day so far…

This is the second day in a row that the weather has prevented me going to work (huurah, I hear you say!) but I’m probably still having a worse one than you.

I spent the early morning traipsing around in the snow, trying to establish if anyone from First Bus was still alive (to no avail, Jim Morrison visited me in the night and said “to meet me on the back of the blue bus”. I said; “sorry Jim, it’s snowing and First Lowland are fucking useless – true story) and was nearly tripped over by some bitch who had clearly put her wellies on the wrong feet.

After deciding to wait on my lift (who has changed her phone number) for 40 minutes and being laughed at by two of my mates as they drove past and, seeing as there had been no sign of any buses, I decided to make for home.

I assume Scottish Borders Council are wasting my Council Tax on some crap like clearing the road to Ettrickbridge, or paying Kenny Gunn’s libel lawyers because they haven’t got round to gritting anything. Galashiels looks like the start of “The Empire Strikes Back”. Particularly the steps I needed to use, which look like the the North Face of the Eiger.

Never mind “touching the void“, I was “touching the cloth“. My decision to grab onto the handrail meant that, when I fell, it was more like abseiling on my arse, rather than falling.

Fortunately, a combination of my back fat and the bag containing my lunch cushioned the blow. Although the cheese and pickle roll was destroyed, the macaroni pie miraculously survived. I just finished it and it was delicious, except it tasted a little bit of ass. I have no idea where the bottle of Ribena ended up (no Richard Gere jokes, please…)

I’m sure you’re concerned for my well-being (aye, right…) so you’ll all be pleased to note that I remain unharmed, save for a bruise on my right thumb.

I’m concerned this may affect my grip, so I’m going off to test it now, those birds on Sky Sports News are smart, eh?

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